The past few years have taken me off track.
But throughout my foray into the business side of online video I kept praying inwardly, please let this teach me what I need to know about monetizing my online video work, so that I can get back to being what I am, an actor.
Now acting is hard. It’s hard for everyone for different reasons. Acting is hard for me because it addresses my deepest weakness- my belief that I don’t have a right to be me, to be here. To be seen. Try rehearsing a difficult play or performing brilliantly in a broadway audition when you don’t believe you belong. When you are certain that everyone in the room thinks you are a fraud, and hates you for it. (If this sounds insane to you, you are not an actor-being an artist, publicly, is hard.)
What an elaborate game! And a brilliant one, perfectly designed to hold me back, to keep me wanting and to eliminate all the joy from the thing I love the most.
So… back to today… back to my inward prayer to god- whom I don’t actually believe in… to please send me a way to get back to what I love. please.
So, when I was asked to join a playwrights reading series this fall I was trepidatious, but I joined. Every other wednesday in the black room at the Drama Book Shop are my favorite days of the month.
And, so, when this weekend I was asked to be a last minute replacement in a friends show I was trepidatious..but I said yes! And why not? This little play is the opportunity to feel bad about myself! I am joining a cast of actors who all know each other already AND! I have to learn a very difficult hebrew accent… AND! the playwright really wanted a real Israeli to play the part because the authenticity of the accent is so important. So many ways to feel insignificant and less than and incompetent. Hooray!
And yet, I was very struck reading my friend Jonathan Pillot’s blog, Man.Kind. In the midst of the post Jonathan mentions the old adage, “when the student is ready, the teacher will appear”… because I know – I am ready. I have been through so much this past decade. This time is different. And I am the teacher.
Today’s rehearsal was so much fun.
{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
Inspiring stuff, KVJ, and yet not in a sentimental sugary sense…very real, and I enjoyed the look-in. Glad to hear that you are finding joy again in doing what you do and being what you are (acting/actor). And though I likely won’t be within 3000 miles of the theatre when you go onstage with the new show, if you listen hard enough you will hear a resounding “Break a leg!” coming from the direction of Paris.
Kessel! I can always count on you! Thanks so much for the lovely comment- and I ‘m so glad you didn’t find it sentimental or sugary- It can be a hard line to navigate, that line between writing what you feel and alienating readers…… perhaps my next show should be in Paris… I’ll get on that!!!!!